Microfics!
by recodan
Summary: Don't have time to read one of my full crack stories? Then read these! Less than 250 words each!
1. Chapter 1

Neji woke up and stretched. Rolling out of bed, he walked over to his window out on the village of Kohona.

" Yosh!" cheered Lee, riding by his window on a hundred foot tall squirrel.

Neji turned and went to back to bed.


	2. Chapter 2

" …and that's why the Village Hidden in the Sake declared war on us, Hokage-sama." said Lee, looking guiltless.

Tsunade's eye just twitched.

" You killed the Sakekage, drank all the villages booze, and got two girls pregnant!?" she shouted at Lee. He nodded. " Lee, you know not to drink!"

" I thought it was water, Hokage-sama." Lee apologized.

" Yeah, well I thought Neji was a guy." said Tsunade, looking over at Tenten and Neji, the mothers-to-be.

" I…was." said the Hyuuga, wincing.


	3. Chapter 3

" Dude."

" Drop it, Kisame." sighed Itachi.

" You banged my sister."

" I know, Kisame."

" She was fourteen."

" I know, Kisame."

" She has Aids."

" I know, Ki….wait what?"


	4. Chapter 4

" Thanks for doing this with me." Hinata said to Sakura.

" Not a problem." replied the pink haired girl. They had broken into Naruto's apartment while he was off training with Jiraiya. Hinata, in a effort to attract Naruto when he returned, had come up with a genius idea that Sakura thought was simply brilliant.

Sneak onto Naruto's computer and see what kind of porn he looked at.

Assuredly, that would give them some ideas to work with, right?"

" Let's hope it's not too weird." sighed Sakura as she clicked the History button. " Oh…my god…" she said, her eyes nearly popping out of her head. " Naruto's a furry?"

" Oh, phew." sighed Hinata. " I was worried about that. What's he into?"

" Hin….you?" Sakura asked, trembling.

" I like foxes." said Hinata with a giggle. " And according to these pictures…he does too."

Sakura ran screaming from the building.


	5. Chapter 5

" So…." said Naruto, trailing off.

" What is it?" asked Sasuke.

" I was thinking about making a bunch of shadow clones, having them use the Sexy Technique, and pimping them out." said Naruto, unveiling his master plan.

" I'd hit that." said Kakashi.


	6. Chapter 6

" Hey, Sai, I have a question for you." said Sakura, looking up from the report she was writing about their last mission. " I think you'd know the answer."

" What is it?" said Sai.

" What's the plural form of penis?"

" I believe it's penises." said Sai, wondering why Sakura had to ask.

" I knew it." said Sakura, returning to her writing.


	7. Chapter 7

" Sai…why?"

Gai had face palmed. Sasuke blinked in shock. Orochimaru stood motionless in silent terror.

" We asked you to make a sculpture for the Organization of Gay Leaf Ninja." sighed Gai. Sai continued to stare at his new art piece, looking as happy as always. " And this…this…this is…."

" A twenty foot tall concrete vagina." said Sai, looking proud of himself.


	8. Chapter 8

" He couldn't get it up?" asked Tenten, slack jawed.

" Not even a bit!" replied Hinata before downing another cup of sake. She hiccupped and threw it away. " All thish time! All thish time and now I find out he hash er…er…"

" Erectitile Dysfunction." said Sakura. She felt sorry for Hinata, who's wedding night was ruined by Naruto's inability.

" Did you try Viagra?" suggested Ino. " It's what I give Shikamaru."

" Good idea." said Hinata before passing out.

THE NEXT DAY

" He's dead?" said Sakura, horrified.

" Elephantitis." Hinata sobbed. " There wasn't enough blood left to keep him alive!"

" How was it before he croaked?"

" So-so."


	9. Chapter 9

" We need to figure out which one of us has the worst life." said Naruto. He had assembled Sasuke, Gaara, and Neji together. " You know my claim. The Kyuubi's messing up my life, it'll get out someday and kill me, and every jutsu I learn ends up hurting me."

" My demon can over me and makes me a psychotic freak." said Gaara. " Plus, I never ever sleep."

" My brother killed everyone in my family and tortured me until I became a emo." said Sasuke, resisting the urge to slit his wrists.

" My family always dresses in all white and tattooed a swastica on my head." said Neji.

"…"

" You win." they said in unison. Neji stood up triumphantly and ran home. He had to get ready for the big cross burning that night.


	10. Chapter 10

Everyone was tense as Naruto, dressed in the robes of the Hokage, took the podium. He had finally achieved his lifelong dream of becoming Hokage, saved the village from the Akatsuki, de-emofied Sasuke with a jutsu, and gotten recognition from most all the villagers.

But, everyone was still scared.

I mean, come on. Naruto as Hokage? Sure, he can fight, but what kind of laws would be pass? What kind of missions would he give?

Would he make them wear orange?

" All right!" said Naruto, arm pumping. " As I'm now Hokage, it's time for me to make my first decree!"

Everyone cringed. Sakura began to pray it didn't involve her. Hinata began to pray it did involve her.

" I declare every day free ramen day!" shouted Naruto.

Everyone sighed in relief. They had hoped it would only be that bad.

" And for my second decree, I'm changing the official kunochi uniform to NOTHING!"

" Best Hokage Ever!" cheered the male populace.


	11. Chapter 11

" This is too troublesome." said Shikamaru. He was looking at a very complicated form he head to fill out for his taxes.

" I could try really hard and spend a hour and finish it….or I could go to sleep."

He made the logical choice.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

" I'm being audited?" he asked Tsunade in shock. " Why?"

" Your tax form was blank." she said, holding it up. " Everything you own has been appraised and valued. Your house and possessions aren't worth too much, but we think your catch phrase is worth enough to pay your debt."

Shikamaru blanched.

" Wh…" he began to say, but it felt like something flew out of his mouth.

" There we go." said Tsunade with a smile. " Now get the hell out."

Shikamaru stormed out of the Hokage's tower. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't say the word troublesome. Which left Kohona's Number 1 whiner without a way to whine. Taking a seat on the steps of the tower, he assumed his thinking position for a moment and came up with a new one.

LATER

" Hey Shikamaru!" Ino called out. " Want to go clothes shopping with me?"

" Bitch, please!"


	12. Chapter 12

" I never wanted to use this technique." Naruto growled, forming a hand seal.

" What? Ooh, a new jutsu!" said Tobi excitedly. For the past hour Naruto, Sasuke, and the rest of everybody had been fighting the impossible powerful ninja. Naruto had pulled out a number of ultimate jutsu, as everyone had, but the freak had just dodged it all.

" Insane Huge Erection no Jutsu!" cried Naruto. There was a ripping sound as his pants flew off and a redwood sized you-know-what sprung out. Tobi wasn't able to move quick enough so he used his "Everything Goes Through Me" technique.

And he stood there, a giant penis stuck through his incorporeal chest.

" Naruto-kun!" said Sasuke and Hinata with a swoon.

Sakura was out cold with a nosebleed.

The rest of everyone was blushing.

" Yeah….." said Tobi awkwardly. " Lets….lets say you won by punching me. I'm…I'm gonna go."

" Yes!" cheered Naruto as the Akatsuki vanished. He spun around to face his allies, forgetting the new length.

" Oh god!" screamed Neji as **it **struck him in the face.

" Yosh! You are not only youthful, but well hung! Congratulations!" said Lee, ducking under.

" I always knew I'd die like this!" cried Shino as he was battered down.

" Naruto-kun!" squealed Hinata and Sasuke, glomping on.


	13. Chapter 13

" Hey Kabuto, where's the remote?"

" I don't know, Orochimaru-sama!" the henpecked medic-nin replied. He was baking cookies for Orochimaru and Sasuke for the third time that day.

Being to only servant for two needy bastards was a tough job.

" Hey, it's almost time for my foot massage!" Sasuke yelled from the couch as Kabuto took the cookies from the oven. He chuckled evilly, as he'd put some revenge laxitives in this batch.

" My apologies, Sasuke-kun!" he said with acheerful voice as he set the tray before the two ninja, who immediately scarfed them down. Within seconds, their stomachs gurgled.

" Out of my way!" snarled Orochimaru, pushing past Kabuto and running towards the bathroom.

" Me first!" said Sasuke, leaping in front of him.

" Like hell!"

" I'm your next body!"

" Who car…!"

PTHBTHT!

Kabuto fell to the ground laughing as Orochimaru soiled himself.. The snake ninja looked shocked and embarrassed.

PSSSH! PTBTBTBT!

…and Sasuke filled his drawers too.

" !" shouted Orochimaru, trying to fight past Sasuke to get into the bathroom.

" You move!" shouted Sasuke. They were stuck in the door, slapping each other as the crapping continued.

" Sasuke!" cried Naruto as all the Leaf Ninja arrived. " I'm here…to…"

" Mommy!" sobbed Orochimaru as another blast issued from his arse.

" It's running down my leg!" wept the pooping Sasuke. They were lying in a pile in the door,unable to move.

PTHBTBTBTBTHBHBTHBTHBTHBTHBHTBHBHBTH!

" Holy shit." said Kakashi.


	14. Chapter 14

Zabuza was getting pretty angry.

" Haku!" he yelled, pounding on the door to the convenience store bathroom. " I've been waiting twenty minutes! What the hell are you doing in there!"

" I'm sorry, Zabuza-san!" Haku replied in a pained tone. " I-there's a little problem in here! It might take a while!"

" Haku, I'm going to count to three." said Zabuza, breathing deeply. " And after that I'm going to cut down the door and take a piss. I don't care if your still in there."

" I can't get out, Zabuza-san." said Haku.

Zabuza blinked.

" Why?" he asked out of morbid curiosity.

" I…I was peeing….and I accidentally….froze the urine." replied the poor boy. " If I move before it melts I'll tear off my….you know."

"…"

" Dammit, I don't care about that!" shouted Zabuza. " Just get yourself out!"

RIPPP!

Moments later, Haku limped out, tearing streaming down his face and the front of his pants bloody.

" About time." said Zabuza, entering and shutting the door.


	15. Chapter 15

" It's here! It's here!" sung Naruto, running towards training ground seven. His teammates and sensei were waiting.

" What's here?" asked Kakashi, noticing a unopened letter in Naruto's hand.

" The results of my paternity test!" shouted Naruto, waving the letter around. " I'll finally find out who my parents are!"

" How?" asked Sakura. " I thought you had to test that against a person's DNA, but you don't have anyone to test against."

" I send a letter to the toad sages on Mt. Onari." said Naruto, hugging the envelope. " They got the great sage to do some divining jutsu."

" Well, open her up." sighed Kakashi.

Naruto ripped though the paper and unfolded the letter, reading to himself. A moment later his face went blank.

" Figures." sighed Naruto, throwing the paper away. " That can't possibly be right."

" Who was it?" asked Sakura.

" Adolf Hitler and a Nintendo Sixty-Four." sighed Naruto.

" Actually…." said Kakashi, trailing off as he took a photo from his pocket. He handed it to Naruto. It was a picture of Adolf Hitler lying in a hospital bed, holding a baby Naruto in swaddling clothes. There as a N64 plugged into a TV in a corner.

" Well, that explains everything." said Sasuke.


	16. Chapter 16

The two ninja stared at each other quizzically.

" Do you have a penis?" asked Sai.

" I don't know." replied Haku. " Lets go find out."

Everyone stared as they walked into a bedroom and shut the door.

" Do you have cameras in there?" Sasuke asked Jiraiya hopefully.

" Oh hell yeah." came the reply.

And thus, 'Icha Icha Paradise Volume 16: What the Hell Edition' was born.


	17. Chapter 17

" Welcome!" bellowed Might Guy, " To tonight's episode of 'Will It Fit!' I'm your host, Might Guy and this is my co-host, Rock Lee!"

" Yosh!"

" Tonight, we have a special guest! The one! The only! Neji Hyuuga!" said Guy with a laugh. " Lee, if you'll bring him out…"

" With pleasure, Guy-sensei!" said Lee, running off stage. He grabbed the tied up Neji and drug him onto the stage. The pale boy struggled against the bindings but it was useless.

" Now, for those of you joining us for the first time, we're going to take objects and see if we can get them into our guests youthful orifices!" roared Guy youthfully. " First is the cactus! Lee, where shall we shove it?"

Suddenly ,Tenten woke up, her bladder demanding to be emptied.

_Dammit! _she thought, mentally punching herself. _That was my favorite dream!_


	18. Chapter 18

" Um….Shino-kun….." said Hinata, blushing deeply as she walked towards her teammate.

" Yes, Hinata?" asked the bug user, mildly interested.

" I need…to tell you something." said Hinata with a sigh. " Y-you remember….last Tuesday?"

" When we had sex?" said Shino bluntly.

" Yes." said Hinata, looking around in a panic. " Don't say that out loud. Naruto-kun might hear."

" I must admit, I was rather insulted when you asked me to help you practice for him." said Shino in a odd voice.

" It's…worse than that." said Hinata, cringing. " I….might have given you crabs. I just didn't want to admit it."

" Why do you think I agreed to it in the first place?" said Shino, raising a eyebrow.

Hinata stared blankly

" I mean, come on. Aburmae chicks dig lice." continued Shino. " And pubic lice? That's just advertising I've got a lot of practice. They've been on me like ants on a dead beetle."

" O-ok then." said Hinata, walking away quite confused. She quickly ran into Kiba and Akamaru, who were staring at her angrily.

" You stay away from Shino-kun." said Kiba with a scowl. " He's all mine today."

"…"

" And Akamaru has him tomorrow. Don't even think about it!" said Kiba, storming past. " Shino-kun! It's almost noon! And you know what that means!"

" I know just what it means, sweetie." came the bug users reply. Hinata fled, wishing she had a normal life like Neji.


End file.
